Amateur Professional

Right in their ugly fucking faces.

I can safely announce what I want for my birthday: a custom bullpup conversion kit for my Ruger 10/22 semiautomatic .22 caliber rifle, complete with holographic sight, flash and noise suppression, and Patented Zombie Face Fucker Technology™ spike bayonet.

If you haven’t figured it out by now, I watched The Sons of Guns season finale last night, as it combined two of my favorite things: blowing shit up and killing zombies.  If you haven’t seen the show yet, it’s addictive as hell, since it revolves around a retired Marine that opened up Red Jacket Firearms, his own custom gunsmithing shop in Louisiana with his daughter, and the show is filled with all kinds of good ol’ boy hijinks like building a gatling guns out of 12-gauge shotguns and converting luxury SUVs into mobile weapons platforms that would make James Bond green with envy.

Max Brooks and two Red Jacket lunatics. You can see the Zombie Face Fucker™ in the foreground on the left.

However, they pulled out all the stops last night in honor of Max Brooks, the son of comedy legend Mel Brooks and the mad genius behind the Zombie Survival Handbook and World War Z.  Max challenged Red Jacket to create the ultimate zombie-killing firearm.  The entire shop broke up into two teams, each building their own prototype, and while one team put a kick-ass M16 together, the winning team pulled some serious insanity out of their ass that left me drooling for one of my very own.

Here’s the thing about zombies: it’s not all about victory through superior firepower when it comes to eradicating them.  Sure, maybe you can hose down a horde with fully automatic fire, but it’s going to be more efficient to take them down as quickly and cleanly as possible, as it’s common knowledge that it takes a head shot to (re)kill one of the walking dead.

This is where the .22 caliber rifle comes into its own, especially a Ruger 10/22, which is renowned for not only accuracy but reliability.  You don’t need a high-caliber round to puncture the skull of a human being, living, dead, or reanimated, and with .22 rimfire ammo about as common as your chances of contracting herpes from a cast member of The Jersey Shore, it’s what you need to get the job done.

The FN 2000. Classic bullpup.

The lunatics at Red Jacket modded the ever-living fuck out of their 10/22, stripping the stock out and mounting the receiver and barrel into a custom-made bullpup carbine to make it light, compact, and sexy as hell.  For those of you playing at home, the bullpup design is an innovative one where the receiver is set far back into the stock, with the action behind the trigger, unlike a traditional firearm where the action is usually set in line or forward from the trigger.  The only bad thing about this design (at least for lefties like me, anyway) is that setting the action so deep in the buttstock usually results with hot brass flying into your face unless you have an ejection port for left-handed shooters, though some really fancy bullpup designs eject downward or have the ejection port far forward, kind of like the FN 2000.

Fix bayonets and charge!

The best part about the winning zombie-killing design isn’t necessarily the bullpup redesign, even though it admittedly is dinner-at-Red-Lobster sexy.  It’s not even the inclusion of a holographic sight or an integrated suppressor that got me foaming at the mouth, either; it was the inclusion of the Patented Zombie Face Fucking Technology™ in the form of a wicked spike bayonet slung under the barrel.  The joy of stabbing zombies in their putrefying eyes over and over again flooded me like a bump of crystal meth snorted off the ass of a tweaked-out hooker missing most of her teeth.  The fact that such a street walker resembles one of the walking dead is not lost on me, by the way.

I can’t help it if I’ve got a bit of a hard-on for shooting the shit out of zombies.  Besides, I’ve been up for almost 24 hours at the point of writing this; I took about 1000 milligrams of knock-off Excedrin to curtail a particularly persistent headache, so I’m flying pretty high right now.

At any rate, now you know what I want for my birthday tomorrow.  Now, I know these custom designs can be a little pricey, so I guess it’s only fair that I settle for something a little easier to get, like an apology from Stephenie Meyer for writing the Twilight series.  Chop chop, people; these zombie faces aren’t going to fuck themselves.